Voicing concerns

So I'm wondering if I should filter everything I write on my blog. I guess there's a fear there to offend or hurt feelings. And what do you keep private and public. It's hard to discipher. Well, I'm not what you'd call a closed book, especially when it comes to me. But when it comes to my family, I feel I should be more tight lipped. With that said, I'm feeling disappointed. You go through life with certain expectations from others. Sometimes you just have to admit that this is the way they are. This is the way they'll always be. No matter how much you want said person to change, especially if it's for their benefit, you can't make them.

It frustrates me but I realize that not everyone has the mentality I do. They can agree with me, but not enough to make the change. This time, a switch was turned on in me. I felt I HAD to do it this time for the sake of my daughter. To think that every bad choice is a more immediate step toward my own death. And that's just how it is. I HAVE to eat this way if I want to live. No bad choice is worth dying for...and I truly believe that's where it leads. I think others believe it won't happen to them and just put the blinders on when they're making bad choices. And who am I to say what they should do. The only one I'm in charge of is me...and the health of my daughter. I don't want her to grow up being teased about her weight or being embarrassed by her mother. She'll learn to eat well by what she sees. Yes, there are others in her life who will choose poorly in front of her...but it won't be me! I refuse to be the contributing force in teaching her to make poor choices.

Going through this journey of weight loss is a very personal battle. I watch X-Weighted a LOT on the Life Network and I see the effect it takes. The gal last night said that losing weight is a lot more than shedding the 25 pounds she lost. With every layer of fat, you can see a transformation within. It's as if we've buried the problems, worries and hurts of our lives in each layer of fat. So when we start to strip off those layers, those things we've buried come to the surface once again. Personally, the major hurts I've carried have been laid to rest. I do feel like I've dealt with them and have moved forward. The little hurts linger somewhat...the "big girl" comments from childhood. The grand uncle who said "you must weigh a ton", in a very innocent sort of way. But those don't hurt as much since I know the intent wasn't to hurt.

The biggest contributors to my emotional eating these days are worry and stress (especially financial), sabotage and temptation. I let our financial woes get to me and stress over the littlest things. It's hard to shut off. But now I am recognizing it more. The latter is harder to battle. Yesterday there were leftovers in the lunch room from a meeting. Lovely pastries, croissants, breakfast pitas and a big fruit tray. I convinced myself not to choose anything that wasn't on plan so I walked away with a big bowl of fruit. It felt great and powerful to make that positive choice. I feel I owe it to myself after the train-wreck weekend I had (over indulging on pumpkin choc-chip muffins and eat hotdogs for lunch on Sunday). I admit when I'm off course...but now it doesn't take me as long to steer the ship straight.

Well, thanks for coming along the journey with me today. More self discovery to come I'm sure.
TTFN!
~B