Ramping up for a routine life

After being on my second mat leave, I think I figured out why I have so much trouble getting through it...and why I can't wait back to work. It's the lack of routine. Sure, you can try to build a routine but it's much easier when you have a place to go to rather than working one out at home. I have total admiration for mother's who can do it and do it well. I often think of my own mother staying home with 3 kids and us being her life. And I feel a great deal of guilt because I know I can't do what she did. I feel lost at home. So much focus is on the kids and nothing's left for me. I feel down (not quite as serious as depression). I don't take care of myself. I feel there's no time for me. By the time the day's over, all I want to do is zone out...turn on the TV, veg, and ignore dealing with me. And now that DH is working late, I feel even more distant with him. Yes, we have wonderful fun and good times but we don't talk much and I'm feeling disconnected. *sigh*

My hope is all that is going to change this week. L has daycare orientation Wed-Fri and next week both girls start full time. I am esctatic. I know it sounds bad but I'm SO looking forward to getting me back. I'm going to work out every morning...or not and go home to bed. Whatever I want to do. Totally concentrate on me...while being in tears missing my girls (it's a double edge sword). With all that time for me, I'm thinking of getting more serious about my eating disorder. I know it sounds dramatic to call it as such but that's what it is. I have an unhealthy relationship with food and I want to work on that pronto. Curves is doing an 8 week biggest loser thingy. Really informal...just come in 3x a week, follow some kind of eating plan, and do activities outside Curves. They weigh & measure you weekly to see your progress. I'm excited to do it but in a way feel like afraid to...cause I've failed so many times. How will this time be any different? When am I going to reach the time when it all comes off...and stays off for good? I feel like it's such a distant dream, I'll never make it. *sigh*

Lots of sighing tonight. Anyway, just glad to get back to my friends (imaginary or not). :) It's nice feeling like someone is listening and understands. Truly I think a woman's soul mate(s) are other women. Only they truly know the struggles we face. Men are wonderful in some ways...helping more with the physical than emotional (and I mean doing the dishes...hehehe). Women get women and that's why we need each other. And why I need you! Thanks for reading.

~B