Yeesh...did I dig too deep?

So I forgot to write yesterday. I was in a pissy mood because NS has been left off the list for Family Day. How sucky is that? And I think we need the holiday the most since we’re usually hit with the worst weather in Canada…well the Maritimes are truly. Not to mention we’re the last on the list for stat holidays. Just stupid! Anyway, that’s my little soap box action.

I feel I’m slipping into the dumps again. More of a personal thing than a financial one. Not sure if it’s the February blahs or I’m just tired of the weight or I’m feeling like I’m falling apart. I haven’t gotten “better” since I had the flu 3 weeks ago. Just not feeling myself. I feel like a bag of sh*t because I haven’t taken good care of myself and now it’s starting to affect me. I know exactly what I need to do, I have the best intentions, but still, I’m doing it. What is the damn problem? What’s the mental block? That’s why I keep wanting to revisit the secret…maybe Dr. Phil’s weight loss book would be a good idea…or the food addiction book that’s been sitting in my room, unread for months. *Sigh*

So, what’s the motivation? What do I need to get me to do what I need to do? Better yet, what’s the payoff for me not doing it? Let’s see, it’s work. So if I don’t do it, I don’t have to do the work required to take care of me. Maybe I’m too focused on taking care of people that by the end of the day, I don’t feel like taking care of anyone else, even if it’s me. How do you put yourself first when obviously kids demand attention? It’s not like I can say, “hold on girls, you’ll get your breakfast right after I’m done making something healthy for me.” You can’t do that. But if I did the prep ahead of time (the work), I’d be all set.

It comes down to being resentful. I’m tired from work, caring for the kids, tidying up after everyone and feel like why should I put the time in for me when no one else does. That’s the unfortunate thing of it all. The best person to take care of me is me. And then when I do make an effort, I feel sabotaged. Like an alcoholic trying not to drink and someone brings home a bottle of rum. That’s what it’s like. I’m no saint either. I bring stuff in the house too. Only because I feel it’s pointless to do better when my surroundings aren’t set up for it. I know this warrants a family meeting but will it help? I feel the point will just get lost. It’s about me…not anyone else. If they want to keep on doing what they’re doing, do I have a right to tell them to do it in private away from me? Because I want to demand more of myself, can I demand it of others for my gain?

Boy, heavy stuff. Sorry if I went too deep into this but it says a lot. This is where I need my couch, Myrna. She’s always good at these questions. (I’ll have to email her to read/post.) Well, I gotta run. If ya got 2 cents, I’d love to hear it.

~B