Trying times

Today L made out wonderful at daycare orientation...only wish I was the same. I did alright but I could tell I was very anxious. Certainly not at the level of care she'd receive. And not if she would be safe or happy. Just that she doesn't need mama 24/7. That's really what it is...that although I'm her mama and no one can replace that, someone else can fill in from time to time. The whole experience is so two sided. On one hand I'm so excited to go back to work, be creative, have fun, be social. On the other hand, I'm so sad that I'll only get 3 or 4 hours in the day with my girls. I know I'll get used to the idea...it's just hard at first.

Tomorrow L goes for 1/2 a day and I'm unconsciously frantic. After an evening watching TV, I look down and my nails are chewed to bits. The separation anxiety really is all about the parents. Face it, when she grows up, she won't remember day 1 of daycare. Honestly, I have no memories before the age of 4! So everything both girls are experiencing in the present will just be a blur in the future. Except for me. I get to remember the heartache, the guilt, the anxiety, the uncertainty, the feeling that I'm not good enough cause I couldn't stand staying home full time with my kids. It's a lot of pressure. I just hope my memory fades as theirs will.

Anyway, it's late. I'm beat and nursing a cold..from L. I'm sure everything will work out...just wish I could skip all the yuckiness of it.
~B